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Education Liberator, Vol. 3, No. 5, June 1997.

Bart Simpson's Punishment

The opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it 100 times" punishment meted out to troublemakers. Each episode is different.

Someone went to the trouble of taping all the episodes, watching them all, and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. Here are some selections from these collected writings of Bart Simpson, presented for your amusement:

  • I will not carve gods.
  • I will not aim for the head.
  • I will not barf unless I'm sick.
  • I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
  • I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
  • I will not conduct my own fire drills.
  • Funny noises are not funny.
  • I will not fake seizures.
  • This punishment is not boring and pointless.
  • My name is not Dr. Death.
  • I will not prescribe medication.
  • I will not bury the new kid.
  • I will not teach others to fly.
  • I will not bring sheep to class.
  • A burp is not an answer.
  • I will not eat things for money.
  • I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
  • The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
  • I will not call the principal "spud head."
  • Goldfish don't bounce.
  • Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
  • I will not sell miracle cures.
  • I will return the seeing-eye dog.
  • I do not have diplomatic immunity.
  • I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
  • I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
  • My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
  • I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
  • Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
  • The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan."
  • I will not waste chalk.
  • Underwear should be worn on the inside.
  • I will not torment the emotionally frail.

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